You’re Not Supposed to Control Emotions

This is what you need to do instead.

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Here’s the thing.
You don’t control anger, or fear, or shame. They happen before you even notice.

Your heart rate spikes, your breath shortens, your stomach twists, by the time you’re aware of it, your nervous system has already hit the gas.

These processes are not conscious, so you can’t control them.

The question isn’t: “How do I stop this?”
The question is: “What do I do now that it’s here?”

One of my people from my team in my 9-5 told me once, “I keep exploding at work. I regret it every time, but it happens so fast. I just can’t stand people who pretend they’re working.”

Valid point.

We’re at work to work and deliver results. Not to like each other.

I keep repeating this, and most people hate me for it. But they also realize it’s true.

Back to that person.

A high achiever, but a total emotional mess. I asked her: “What if the problem isn’t that you feel all that anger… but that you obey it?”

See, negative emotions are not here to rule you. They’re just signals, like an internal Morse code. They’re designed to make you move, act on something that’s misaligned with your values.

Don’t try to suppress them (because that’s what people do when they try to “control” emotions). Utilize them. Make them your best friend.

• Anger isn’t “yell”, it’s “boundary crossed.”

• Fear isn’t “quit”, it’s “something important here.”

• Sadness isn’t “break”, it’s “something valuable is gone.”

What these signals do is to alert you about an internal conflict - between what’s happening and your core values.

So the point is not to kill these signals, it’s to decode them and act on them. The right way.

It’s about how you can act on them, not react to them.

And that takes practice.

My technique:

1. Notice what’s happening, just simply observe your emotional state.

2. Name it - how do you feel.

3. Understand why - what made you feel that way. Where’s the conflict? Which of your core values got crossed?

4. Analyze - seek evidence. 99% of the times there’s none. You feel that way because of an assumption.

5. Find that assumption. Prove that it’s false. Problem solved.

I use the very same technique to help that same person. She got promoted twice and is now one of the most valued experts in her field, advising the board of the biggest bank in my country.

And when I see something like this happen, I know I’ve succeeded.

Because once you realize the emotion is a signal, not an order, you stop being dragged by it. You can still feel it fully. But you’re the one who decides what happens next.

And remember to have a GUT time in the process.

Yana

P.S. If you want to deep dive into emotions, you might want to check this video.