Attachment.
We’ve developed this for millennia. It’s in our DNA. It’s tied to our survival mechanism so hard that it seems almost impossible to untie.
When a baby is born, it needs someone to take care of it for at least 12 months. We, humans, are one of the very few species on this Planet who need that. Most animals’ newborns can take care of themselves shortly after birth. For humans? If there’s no one around, survival is at risk.
It’s hard-coded in our primitive brain:
Having someone around = survival. That’s how important relationships are.
The problem?
It’s valid when you’re a newborn, not when you grow up.
Yet this “code” stays.
When you care about someone, it’s a life-or-death situation. You can’t afford to lose them. You have to keep them at ALL COSTS.
That’s the primitive survival mechanism speaking into your head. That’s why some people pass away shortly after they lose their closest.
This is not real. Your brain makes it real, but it’s not.
You can survive alone.
I’ve worked with people in my 9-5 for decades. I keep seeing this same old pattern: attachment.
Of course, we need other people in our lives, but not for survival.
One thing I know about relationships is this:
Every relationship has a purpose.
Some people come for a one-time thing. A helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, a one-night crush. Then you never see them again.
Some people are meant to stay for a while.
Some for a longer while.
And some for life.
But they all have a purpose.
Some to teach you.
Some to grow you.
Some to help you.
And some to simply walk by your side.
But they all go.
You lose them sooner or later. And that’s ok. It’s how it’s meant to be.
What makes it hard to accept: attachment.
Every relationship has a purpose, and that purpose is time-bound. So if you hold on to attachment, you’re stuck in a loop of that very same moment and can’t move on until you let go.
Don’t hold on to attachment.
It’s a false emotion designed to keep us alive.
A technique I use:
Don’t hold on to attachment. Hold on to who you are.
Figure out the purpose of this person in your life. Sit with it for a moment.
Keep the purpose, let go of the attachment. Every time you feel a loss, remember the purpose.
When you figure out the purpose, you’ll also know if it’s time to let go. And suddenly everything comes to its place.
If this is hard, here’s something easier.
It may sound “cold” or “unacceptable,” but it’s how our brains are programmed to operate.
Here it is:
Have more people with the same or similar purpose around you. It tricks your brain into “safety” and the attachment never triggers. The “life-or-death” situation expires because now you have a “replacement”. It’s a healthier place to be.
And remember to have a GUT time.
Yana
P.S. I’ve covered the attachment-survival link in depth in this video.